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Fic: Snap Crackle Pop (Sam, Hider, Taylor Doose, Kyle, Jess Mariano) PG-13

Title: Snap Crackle Pop (Chapter 1: TERROR)
Author: Sam/Hider
Pairing/Character: Sam, Hider, Taylor Doose, Kyle, Jess Mariano
Word Count: 2,494
Rating: PG-13 (Language, innuendo)
Summary: When they moved in together they were sure they were going to kill each other. Sam would never graduate from NYU and Hider would never reach any of her goals because they were both going to be dead at the hands of the other. But, of course, with the addition of hot neighbor boys, television on DVD, and DSL, things were a little more fun than fearsome. And then things got a little bit crazy ... but we just don't talk about that.
A/N: Sam and Hider are pulled through a swirling purple vortex of TERROR for a 'very special occasion.' And there is peanut butter (of course). Let us know what you think! This is the chapter where the REAL fun starts!

Prologue


Out of the corner of her eye she caught a flash of blue, then brown, and the couch shifted appropriately. She sighed and leaned further into the corner of the couch, propping her head on her palm as she rested her elbow on the arm rest. All was silent except for the party playing out across the television and she let herself sink into the actions on screen, knowing she was going to be crying in about ten minutes.

Then the couch shifted again, and she could actually hear her best friend’s jeans scratching against the cloth.

Sam dropped her hand and turned her head with a glare. “Can you please stop that?”

“Stop what?”

“Fidgeting!”

“I am not fidgeting,” Hider declared. She folded her arms across her chest and adjusted once more, shooting a pointed glance Sam’s way before she turned her attention back to the episode. Satisfied, Sam returned to her earlier position and did the same.

And then the couch shifted again.

“Oh my God!” Sam widened her eyes dramatically, throwing her arms in the air. “Are you that A.D.D.?!”

You’re the one that wouldn’t let me unpack before we started watching this.”

“So I’m the evil one, no shit. But what does that have to do with anything?”

“I need a notepad! Or something,” Hider whined. “Saaaaaam, you know I can’t focus on one thing at a time!”

“Woe is Hider,” Sam rolled her eyes and picked up the DVD remote, pressing pause just as Jess kissed Rory to distract her again. Sam frowned mightily and froze, her hand in the air, staring at the screen.

Hider arched an eyebrow and tapped her foot against the floor impatiently. When the other girl didn’t move she rolled her eyes and leaned forward, grabbing the remote from her friend and pressing play again.

“Dude, not cool!”

“Dude, don’t pause the emo scene!”

“I DON’T WANT TO WATCH HIM MAKE HER CRY!”

“Then you shouldn’t have said ‘Ohmygodhider, I want to watch three-nineteen!’”

“I did not say that.”

“Yes you did.”

“No, I did not.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I’m in kindergarten again.”

“Like you ever left, you whore,” Hider grumbled and looked at the screen again, sticking her bottom lip out when Rory ran out the door in tears.

“Shut up,” Sam huffed and looked up at the screen as well, a frown marring her face as she watched the scene play out.

It made her mad that the scene never actually changed its course, despite how much she wanted it to. She huffed again and pointed at the screen, looking at Hider with a pout. “This is why God created fanfiction,” she decided. Hider snickered and nodded, taking her eyes from the screen when Dean and Jess started fighting.

“Speaking of, shouldn’t you be off catering to your adoring fans?”

“They can live without me for a week; the season finale this year killed my muse.”

“Sure she hasn’t just run off again?”

“Nope. She’s dead. Six feet under. I have to buy a new one and name it something OTHER than Audrey this time. Very sad.” Hider rolled her eyes.

“Okay, Sam.”

Sam narrowed her eyes in realization. “That was totally a ploy to get me to go away, wasn’t it?”

“No…”

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a horrible liar?”

Hider blinked. “I am not!”

“A-HA! So you admit it! You were lying!”

“You whore.”

“At least I don’t have to wait to make money until my pole is installed. When’s that happening, anyway? I want to warn Richard before he finds out all your dirty little secrets.”

“I’ll never tell…”

Sam snickered, “Okay, Brittany Murphy. Have you even seen that movie?”

“Shut up. And I am a good liar! I just can’t lie to you, because you are Sam. Duh,” Hider shook her head. She stood and wandered down the hallway toward the bathroom, leaving Sam to her own devices on the couch.

So once she heard the bathroom door close, Sam fell back on the couch with a contented sigh, closing her eyes and folding her elbows to put her hands behind her head. She tapped her foot idly against the end of the couch, keeping rhythm with the random song that was stuck in her head.

She idly made a note to stop listening to Ben Lee on repeat.

Laughing slightly, she sat up when she heard the toilet flush and blinked rapidly, drying to get the purple spot in front of her to disappear. But she wasn’t pushing on her eyelids and no one had taken a picture of her, so why she was seeing spots she didn’t know. It was odd. And … um … a little disturbing.

Which, you know, was still an understatement since the thing kept getting bigger.

Sam slid off the couch slowly and approached the swirling purple blob, jumping in shock when it took on the look of a sideways tornado. Hadn’t she read about this somewhere? Alternate dimension time warps or some crazy shit.

However she took a lot of pride in the fact that she did NOT drop acid, so this didn’t make any damn sense.

“Yo, Hider!”

“Whhhhaaaaaaaaaaaat?!” Hider whined, shouting as she walked back into the living room. Sam turned around, distraught, and gestured behind her frantically.

“There’s a swirling purple tornado behind me, isn’t there?”

Hider cocked her head to the side, then shook her head with a roll of her eyes. “God, Sam, noooo.” Sam let out a sigh of relief and then Hider continued, “That is a swirling purple vortex of TERROR.”

“Oh, much better,” Sam rolled her eyes and turned around again, joined by Hider a second later when the swirling sped up. She followed it with her eyes and didn’t notice when various other colors started to surround them.

When she finally looked up, there was a green vortex to her right and a pink one to Hider’s left. Sam was fairly certain there were more, but before she could investigate Hider settled a hand on her shoulder and grinned.

“Hey, watch,” Hider laughed and shoved at the other girl’s shoulder, sending her sprawling into the purple vortex of TERROR, arms flailing as she screamed in horror.

--

Her ass hit the ground with a resounding thump and she let out a grunt of pain, falling over and gripping the grass tightly between her fingers. She rubbed her head and looked up and around, noticing the sounds coming from a few feet away.

It sounded like someone was having a party. Or possibly performing a circus act.

She wasn’t totally sure, but her ass hurt too much to actually care.

“God damnit, Hider,” she grumbled, shifting again so that she was sitting up. The pain was numbing, a little, and she figured that as long as she didn’t move she’d be just friggin’ dandy.

Sam gazed at her surroundings and then widened her eyes, noticing the sign that was sitting across the street and the familiar diner door that was resting right beneath it. Scrambling to her feet, she didn’t notice when Hider came running through the bushes she had just fallen out of, screaming and hollering.

“—AND I DIDN’T MEAN TO—Oh, damn,” Hider caught her breath and stopped dead, eyes widening much the same way that Sam’s had only a moment ago.

“Yes, you did,” Sam shook her head. “But I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Dorothy.”

“Dude, I am so not Dorothy.”

“Would you prefer it if I called you Elphaba?” Sam grinned cheekily. Hider scoffed and opened her mouth to respond when Sam cut her off, rushing across the street in the direction of the market. Hider gaped for a moment and then shook her head, huffing indignantly as she tried to catch up.

“YES I WOULD THANK YOU VERY MUCH!” she shouted, reluctantly breaking into a jog to catch up with her friend’s quick pace. “Now what the HELL are you doing?!”

“Making you exercise, for one,” Sam drawled, yanking open the door to the market and stepping inside, looking around the familiar interior. “And two, finding out why we’re here.”

“I hate you.”

Sam snorted and finally spotted the object of her chase, making a beeline for the register while Hider gasped behind her. They simultaneously rushed up to two of the town’s residents, both automatically wanting to bombard the men with questions.

“Kyle, right?” Hider smiled brilliantly as she approached the thin boy. He eyed her warily and then nodded, setting the jar of peanut butter he’d been holding back on the shelf.

“Yeah …”

“Hi! I’m Hider,” she grinned and held out her hand, shaking his quickly before picking up the jar of peanut butter and tossing it back and forth between her palms. “So tell me, you ever wanted to be in the Navy?”

Turning back to the older man in front of her, Sam tried to contain her laughter as her best friend continued to interrogate the poor boy about his interest in Captain Hook and the Navy. She honestly felt bad for him, but at least Hider was annoying someone else for the time being.

And not pushing him into swirling purple vortexes of TERROR, which Sam was a little jealous about.

She sighed and folded her arms across her chest, tapping her foot impatiently as she waited for Taylor to finish ringing up a customer. When he glanced up at her she arched her eyebrows warningly and he rolled his eyes, throwing his arms up in the air exasperatedly.

“Now, before you go getting all upset…”

“What are we doing here?”

“…let me explain,” he continued, speaking over her. “You know as well as I do that with that—” he waved his hand toward the window “—hooligan gone, things are going to change.”

“No shit,” Sam agreed. Taylor widened his eyes and scolded her for her vulgar language, pointing an accusatory finger at her. She raised an impatient eyebrow and he sighed reluctantly, continuing his tale.

“Now, you girls,” he looked over at Hider, who was regaling Kyle with her love for peanut butter. Looking back at Sam, “Are as in love with Jess as Rory is, and I want you two to fix this.”

“You hate Jess.”

“But I love this town, and when he leaves everything goes to hell.”

“Are you serious?”

“Young lady, I do not kid around about such serious matters! The swirling purple vacuum—”

“—vortex of TERROR,” she corrected.

Taylor rolled his eyes, “Fine. Swirling purple vortex of TERROR,” he enunciated, “Is only used for very special occasions. You should feel honored for being called upon to fix such a huge problem!”

Sam blinked. “Keeping Jess in Stars Hollow is a ‘very special occasion’?”

“Oh, no,” he shook his head and widened his eyes. The gesture amused the young girl and she bit her lip to keep from laughing. “Jess is already gone; I need you two to bring him back.”

“And how do you suppose we do that?”

“Well, I believe he rode a bus,” he responded.

“You want me to ride a bus,” she repeated, “With … that,” she gestured to Hider, whom was still talking to Kyle. He was grinning and participating in the conversation, and Sam was certain she was going to be dealing with some serious gushing when they left. “With Hider,” she corrected off Taylor’s warning look, “To California?”

“Yes.”

“To find Jess.”

“Yes.”

“And bring him back to Stars Hollow.”

Taylor nodded and shrugged his shoulders slightly, arching his neck in a persuasive manner. “And maybe play Cupid along the way,” he nodded again. Sam laughed outright at that, leaning against the counter for support as giggles erupted from her throat. He huffed, “Samantha Nicole, this is not a funny matter.”

“You just middle-named me!” she proclaimed, sobering. He nodded gravely and she sighed, glancing back at Hider again before nodding her head. “Fine, but you’re paying for the bus tickets.”

He grinned and she resisted the urge to wince when he hugged her in joy.

--

“If you get peanut butter on me I will kick your ass,” Sam promised. Hider giggled around her sticky plastic spoon, shrugging her shoulders innocently.

“I promise I won’t cover you from head-to-toe in peanut butter,” she nodded solemnly and took another bite.

“How can you eat that out of the jar like that?”

“Kyle does it too!”

“And here we go with the Kyle gushing.”

“Oh shut up, like I didn’t listen to you gush about Preston for three years.”

“That is not the point.”

“Then what is the point?”

“Nevermind,” Sam laughed, rolling her eyes. She said seriously, “I’m sure you and Kyle will be very happy together. You can lick peanut butter off of his hook when he loses his hand in the Navy.”

Hider smacked her in the shoulder with the peanut-butter covered spoon and she glared.

--

“And IIIIIIIII WANNA TV EMBRACE!”

“Oh my God, shut UP.”

“And IIIIIIIII’M GETTING OFF your boooooiling plate,” Hider continued to sing, closing her eyes dramatically and using her fist as a microphone. Sam narrowed her eyes and looked around the empty bus, sighing heavily as the driver began to laugh from her ANNOYING roommate’s antics.

“I am so going to kick your ass when we get to California,” she promised. Hider grinned and kept singing.

--

“Psssssst, Saaaaaaaaam,” Hider whispered, shoving at her shoulder. Sam grumbled and scooted further down in the uncomfortable seat, batting her hand in an attempt to make the whispering stop. Hider rolled her eyes and, unwilling to be deterred, pushed until Sam was pressed up against the window.

The cold shock of the glass jerked her awake and she spun around, smacking Hider in the shoulder with a loud protest.

“What the hell?!”

“You were sleeping!”

“I KNOW I was sleeping, why did you wake me up?!”

“I’m boooooooored!”

“So sleep!”

“Not tired.”

“That’s your own damn fault for eating all those skittles,” Sam retorted, curling into her seat again. “Now shut up, sleepy sleepy for Sammy time.”

“Sam!”

“Shhhh!”

--

“Hider.”

She grunted in response.

“Hider,” Sam sing-songed, grinning. “Wakie, wakie.”

She grunted again and Sam giggled. A few seconds later Hider opened her eyes and narrowed them automatically. “I hate you.”

“You loooove me,” Sam retorted. “Now come on, up! We have to find Jess and make him talk to Rory!”

“Have you had coffee?”

“There’s a Starbucks in the station! How nuts is that?!” Sam exclaimed. “Chai tea lattes are LOVE.”

Hider furrowed her brow, her mouth open slightly. “Was I that bad of a person in my last life?”

“Yes, and you’re just as bad now. UP!”

--

They sat down near a bookstore and nodded, leaning back against the bench simultaneously. It wasn’t long before they spotted a familiar head of black-brown hair, and the swagger only confirmed their suspicion.

Showtime.

Chapter 2: I Don't Do Dogs
Tags: gilmore girls, hider, jess mariano, kyle, pg-13, sam, snap crackle pop, taylor doose
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