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Fic: Snap Crackle Pop (Sam, Hider, Jess Mariano, Sasha) PG-13

Title: Snap Crackle Pop (Chapter 2: I Don't Do Dogs)
Author: Sam/Hider
Pairing/Character: Sam, Hider, Jess Mariano, Sasha (Jess/Rory, Rory)
Word Count: 3,601
Rating: PG-13 (Language, innuendo)
Summary: When they moved in together they were sure they were going to kill each other. Sam would never graduate from NYU and Hider would never reach any of her goals because they were both going to be dead at the hands of the other. But, of course, with the addition of hot neighbor boys, television on DVD, and DSL, things were a little more fun than fearsome. And then things got a little bit crazy ... but we just don't talk about that.
A/N: Yes, we've been gone for over a month but WE ARE BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER. Or ... back, at least. And this chapter is like 1200 words longer than the last chapter, so you will just have to accept that as apology for the past month and its severe lack of Sider crack! Now give us feedback, yo!

Also, I just would like to say that no Jess Marianos were harmed during the writing of this chapter. Thank you.

PrologueChapter One: TERROR


“Okay, so how the hell are we supposed to do this?” Sam wondered, watching as he stopped in front of a payphone. She furrowed her brow and watched him fiddle with some coins, clearly trying to make a decision as to whether or not to call. She got no response from the girl next to her and she turned her head in confusion.

Hider was staring at him, too, looking a little more transfixed at the site of him than she should’ve been. Sam rolled her eyes, “HIDER! YES, HE IS HOT. SNAP OUT OF IT,” she smacked her on the back of the head and Hider cried out in pain, retaliating with a hard smack against Sam’s shoulder.

“What was that for?!”

“For being stupid!” Sam replied. “How are we going to get him to go back to Connecticut with us? He’ll think we’re crazy!”

“So don’t tell him about the swirling purple vortex of TERROR,” Hider rolled her eyes. “Duh, Sam.” Her expression completely matched her tone of voice. Sam blinked, then shook her head and stood. She started to walk away and Hider frowned. “Hey! Where are you going?”

Turning around, “To save the future of Gilmore Girls. God, Hider, KEEP UP!” Sam scoffed and turned around again to continue her path to her very first TV crush. Her steps were quick and Hider caught up with her a second before she reached the familiar location of the telephone booth. Together, they stopped behind him and Hider cleared her throat loudly.

“Excuse me!”

He turned with a sigh and raised his eyebrows impatiently. “What, you can’t use one of the other ten million phones in this place? Geez,” he rolled his eyes. Sam blinked and opened her mouth to speak, seemingly losing all rational thought the second he looked at her. “What?”

Hider sighed, “We need to talk to you,” she nodded seriously and looked at Sam for confirmation. Her best friend continued to stand there, eyes slightly glazed, and Hider huffed. “WHO’S STUPID NOW, SAM?” She smacked the taller girl hard on the head and Sam scoffed, pulling away hastily.

“Leave me alone!” She turned back to Jess and smiled sweetly. “You got a minute?” Hider snorted. Sam glared and Jess blinked in confusion.

“You know, I hear there’s a fantastic institution a few blocks over,” he smirked and shook his head, scratching the back of it as he turned away from them. Hider’s jaw dropped and she turned to Sam in outrage.

“Now look what you did, you stupid whore!”

Sam sighed heavily and followed him, slipping her arm through his quickly. He eyed her warily and she ignored his stare as she started talking. “See, now we’re not actually crazy. Despite popular opinion we’re really very sane, and we have a purpose here,” she told him. Yanking on his arm, she forced him to stop and kept her hand locked tightly around his elbow. “Now,” she removed her hand and smiled when he stayed put.

He was too confused to move, but she didn’t really care about that.

“I’m Sam,” she held out her hand and Jess eyed it for a moment before taking it in his own and shaking it.

“Jess,” he replied. Hider popped up next to them and he cocked an eyebrow.

“Oh! I’m Hider,” she shrugged and shook his hand. “She’s the brains here,” she pointed to Sam and gestured for her roommate to continue her story. Jess smirked a little and folded his arms across his chest, waiting. Amusement was sure to come of whatever the bag ladies had to say.

“Yeah. Anyway,” Sam sighed and looked up at him. “You need to go back.”

“Back?”

“Back,” both girls confirmed, nodding seriously.

“What the fuck? Back where?”

“TO STARS HOLLOW,” they shouted. Hider shoved Sam impatiently and Sam shoved back, huffing loudly. Jess furrowed his brow and stepped back from them. His eyes darkened and Sam bit her lip to keep back the shiver that was just begging to fly down her spine.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said slowly. Hider rolled her eyes and took a step closer to him, resting her hand on his shoulder. She patted his arm mockingly.

“See, you say that but we all know you’re lying,” she said. “Now, what exactly do you predict you’re going to do in the next year? Hmm?”

“Uh…”

“Exactly!” Sam agreed. “There’s nothing for you here, Jess! What the hell are you doing in California?” she asked. “I live in California too and lemme tell you something—” she stared at him seriously and he raised an eyebrow, gesturing for her to continue. “—IT SUCKS. MAJORLY. Why anyone would want to live here I have no idea,” she shook her head sadly.

Hider snickered, choosing not to mention the fact that Sam adored Southern California and just happened to hate the northern part of the state. Stupid Tahoe. Oh well, no need to discredit the girl.

“Listen to her!” she pointed and patted his arm again. “Sam is smart and you should agree with her because if you don’t she will tie you up until you do!”

“Oh, good. Tell him I’m a dominatrix. That’s TOTALLY going to get him to trust us,” Sam rolled her eyes. Hider narrowed hers and Sam stuck out her tongue.

“Hello maturity!” Hider crowed.

“Look who’s talking, little miss Queen Of The Kindergarteners,” Sam retorted. She stepped closer to her roommate and Hider glared, letting go of Jess in favor of smacking Sam. “Stop hitting me!”

“YOU STARTED IT!”

“I did not,” Sam replied indignantly. Hider rolled her eyes and turned to face Jess to ask his opinion, only to find that he was no longer standing where she left him.

“What the hell?!”

“NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” Sam shouted. Hider turned back to face her, gaping.

“How was I supposed to know he was going to run off, Sam?! I AM NOT THAT SMART!”

“Whatever,” Sam groaned, her head tilting back so she could stare at the sky. The sun blinded her momentarily and she sighed as she looked back at her friend. There were little orange spots all over the place and she resisted the urge to scream. “Let’s go find our boy,” she sighed and they set off in the direction they assumed Jimmy’s house was in.

--

“This completely sucks.”

“It’s not my fault you scared the crap out of him and forced him to run for his life,” Sam sighed, pulling her hair back into a messy ponytail. Hider narrowed her eyes as they continued to walk down the sidewalk.

“Dude. I so did not scare the crap out of him.”

“You told him I was going to tie him up if he didn’t agree with me!”

“I THOUGHT WE AGREED HE WAS INTO BONDAGE A LONG TIME AGO,” Hider huffed. Sam blinked, then smiled slowly. She giggled, covering her mouth with her hand, and Hider rolled her eyes in irritation. “I hate you.”

“Oh, I love you too,” Sam pinched her cheek and Hider smacked at her, jerking to the side to escape the sudden attack. She continued to glare and almost missed the gate. “DOGS.”

“What?!”

“DOGS,” Sam stopped and stared at the gate, grinning madly. She pointed inside the yard that was concealed by the short piece of wood and Hider stopped too, widening her eyes.

“DOGS!” she shouted, throwing her arms in the air in triumph. Sam high-fived her and then cocked her head to the side.

“Okaaaaaaaaay, so how are we supposed to get past them to get to Jess?” she wondered. Hider stared at her in horror.

“We have to go in there?!”

Sam turned to look at her. “Uhm … babe, how the hell ELSE are we supposed to get to the boy?”

“Can’t we, like,” Hider waved her hands, “Light the place on fire and get him to come out?”

“Taylor would severely disapprove of using arson to get Jess to go back to Stars Hollow,” Sam folded her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow. Hider sighed heavily and looked over the gate at the pack of sniveling, mangy dogs.

“I hate you.”

“I know, sweetie,” Sam patted her arm and opened the gate, slipping past it and waiting for Hider to join her in the yard before closing it again. Hider stood on the sidewalk stubbornly, shaking her head back and forth. Sam sighed in exasperation. “You pushed me through the friggin vortex in the first place, so now YOU get to be sniffed by a bunch of dogs. Deal with it.”

“I hate dogs,” Hider huffed and stomped her foot petulantly. Sam rolled her eyes.

“I know. But you love Jess. And Jess and Rory. And the GOOD Gilmore Girls! So get your lazy ass behind this gate before I KICK IT AND MAKE IT GO BEHIND THIS GATE!”

“You are MEAN!”

“And you’ll tell me the same thing in ten minutes when you finally make it to the front door,” Sam sighed and crouched down, accepting dozens of doggie kisses from the dozen or so mutts that were in the yard. She smiled and petted a few of them before standing and raising a pointed eyebrow, grabbing Hider’s hand and jerking her into the yard.

She half expected her roommate to scream in horror from the expression on her face.

“I DO NOT DO DOGS!”

“Then why are you in my yard?”

Both of them turned at the voice and widened their eyes, stumbling over each other’s explanations as they tried to come up with their own. Eventually they resorted to smacking each other in between choppy responses, and Sasha smiled slowly.

“You the girls Jess saw down at the pier?”

“Yes!” Sam proclaimed, slapping a hand over Hider’s mouth to keep her from contradicting the response. Hider glared and licked her friend’s palm, earning a high-pitched shriek. She grinned. “Do not lick me in public,” Sam hissed, rolling her eyes before she turned back to Sasha. “Is he here?”

“Inside,” Sasha nodded. “So what’s this about stalking poor Jessie?”

“We are not—”

She grinned, “Girls, I’m joking. Come on in, he’s taking up couch space with his books.”

They turned to each other and sighed, relieved, before making their way across the yard. It was made easier by Sasha calling off the dogs, and Hider gripped Sam’s hand tightly when one of them tried to sniff her butt. Sam grinned and kept walking, pulling her friend through the front door until they were both standing in the familiar living room.

Jess looked up from his book and groaned, a pained expression crossing his features. “Ah, geez, I didn’t tell you to invite ‘em over for dinner!” he directed the comment toward Sasha and she shrugged, smiling.

“Maybe they’re here on behalf of your girl, you ever think of that?”

“She’s not my girl anymore,” he muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“YES SHE IS!” Sam and Hider shouted, shoving at each other to gain dominance in the response. Sam lost her balance and nearly fell flat on her face, earning a loud laugh from her best friend as she pointed and snickered. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms with a huff.

He blinked and closed his book, tossing it onto the coffee table. Leaning back on the couch, he propped his feet on the table and stared seriously at them. “Who sent you here?”

“If we told you, you would not believe us,” Sam shook her head back and forth, pursing her mouth tightly. Sasha walked past her and knocked Jess’ feet off the table, earning a glare to her back as she retreated down the hallway.

“So, what? You came here to convince me that she and I are meant to be and I have to go back so we can make it work? Please,” he scoffed and shook his head. Hider groaned.

“You are much stupider than I thought,” she said seriously. Sam snorted and he smirked.

“Thank you,” he deadpanned. There was amusement in his dark eyes and Hider and Sam both sighed at the site. Then they looked at each other and glared.

“You need to go back,” Sam turned to look at him again. He stared at her silently and she crossed the small distance between them, plopping down on the coffee table so that she was directly in front of him. “Rory needs you. She doesn’t even know you’re gone yet, Jess, you can still fix this.”

“Rory needs me,” he repeated dubiously. Sam nodded seriously, then cried out in protest when Hider shoved her out of the way and took her place. She landed on the floor and grumbled as she sat up, craning her neck to see them both from her low position.

“You’re a little slow on the uptake, aren’t ya, Jess?” Hider grinned. She patted his knee, “Don’t worry. Sam is too.” She ignored her best friend’s argument and took a deep breath. “I’m going to make this simple, mmk? Mmk. You love Rory; Rory loves you. You left Rory; Rory doesn’t know you’re gone yet. You can go back to Rory; Rory will let you fix it.”

“He’s not a Neanderthal,” Sam pointed out. Jess grinned and leaned further into the couch, glancing back and forth between both of them. Sam leaned back on her hands and Hider crossed her arms over her chest as they both stared back at him.

“You swear the two of you aren’t from the asylum?”

“I solemnly swear I will not be played by Wynona Ryder in a bad adaptation of a kickass novel,” Sam said. Hider laughed and Jess sighed, running a hand through his unruly hair. He shook his head back and forth slowly, then groaned as he closed his eyes and tilted his head back.

“I’m not dreaming, am I?” he asked. Both girls shook their heads and he nodded resignedly. “Didn’t think so.”

“So, you coming?”

He exhaled slowly and ran his hand across his face. “I’m going to regret this.”

“YAY!”

He sighed again and rolled his eyes.

--

“I am going to kill you,” she swore. Hider snickered and took another bite of her peanut butter, watching Jess as he sat on his bed reading. He refused to pack his shit and both of them were ready to strap him down on a golf cart to DRIVE him back to Stars Hollow.

Jess ignored the comment and Sam narrowed her eyes further, spurred by her best friend’s consistent smacking noises as she shoveled spoonfuls of her favorite … um … spread thing into her mouth.

“Dude, can you like not?” she asked, staring at Hider pointedly. The other girl widened her eyes innocently and took another bite of peanut butter.

“DO NOT DEPRIVE ME OF MY PEANUT BUTTER, SAM!”

“DON’T MAKE ME TAKE THAT JAR AWAY!”

“God, do you two ever shut up?” Jess asked, throwing his book down to glare at them. They turned slowly to face him, faces contorting in confusion.

“No,” they said slowly. The synchronicity still disturbed him, but the boobs thing was weirder. He had no idea what the fuck they were referencing with that whole thing.

“Jess, can I ask you something?”

“You’re probably going to anyway, so who am I to stop you?”

“Oh, he learns fast,” Sam grinned at Hider and then turned back to him. “Do you want to be with her?” He remained silent and she sighed heavily. “Jess.”

“Huh?”

“Answer the question.”

“I’m sorry; I wasn’t listening. Care to repeat that?”

She groaned, “You are such an ass,” she shook her head and sighed. But she repeated the question and his jaw tightened, teeth clenching against each other. She smiled. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Look, you don’t—”

“—know anything about you or Rory or your relationship,” Hider cut in. She scoffed, “MAKE A NEW SPEECH, DUDE.” He gave her an irritated look and she shrugged, going back to her peanut butter with a happy little purring sound. He raised an eyebrow and Sam shifted a little uncomfortably, shaking her head in a decidedly odd way.

“Jess, please, just come back to Connecticut with us.”

“Why should I?”

“WE ARE NOT GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN,” they exclaimed in unison. He blinked, slightly scared, and they simultaneously rolled their eyes. Sam stepped forward and sat down on the bed next to him, slapping his knee hard. He winced and she smiled cheerfully.

“Do I have to call her and tell her that her boyfriend left her because his deadbeat dad showed up out of nowhere wanting to get to know his eighteen-year-old son that he left two hours after birth? Or do you want to get on a GODDAMN BUS with us and go back to her so that she doesn’t blame herself for you leaving?” He opened his mouth to retort and Sam slapped her hand over it. “No, no. My turn. She will blame herself, Jess, and no matter what she tells you, she will cry for months because of you. Then you’ll go back and you’ll fuck up completely and all of your chances with her?” She made an explosion noise and flung her hands up in the air, wide-eyed. “BOOM. All gone.”

“She speaks the truth, dude,” Hider nodded and he glanced at her, fascinated as she shoved another spoonful of peanut butter into her mouth. That had to be her sixth or seventh.

“Yes, she’s a freak, we all know this. FOCUS, Jess,” Sam clapped her hands in front of his face and he glared at her. “You love Rory, right?”

He clenched his jaw, ducking his head as he nodded. She smiled softly and resisted the urge to scream AWWWWWWWW at the top of her lungs, pouting over her shoulder at Hider. The girl with the peanut butter looked equally mushy and they both smiled at each other before Sam turned back to Jess.

“So go back to her,” she said softly, nudging him in the side. He sighed and looked up at the ceiling, rolling his head to the side to see her. Her smile widened and he sighed again.

“She probably knows by now.”

“She won’t find out until tomorrow night,” Sam retorted. He blinked. “Don’t ask me how I know that, please.” He nodded slowly and she laughed, jumping off the bed and pointing to the large duffle bag that was sitting in the corner. “NOW PACK!”

“That was a shift,” he smirked, but nodded and did as she asked, ignoring her tiny squeal behind him. She turned around and knocked his book off the bed, sighing as she bent over to pick it up. His bookmark was sticking out of the pages and she quickly moved to shove it back before she noticed what it was. Looking up at her best friend, she beckoned her over and Hider glanced at Jess’ turned back before obliging.

“Look,” Sam hissed, pointing at the picture. Hider cooed quietly and grinned at the image. He was so totally in love with Rory. And the picture so totally proved it. They grinned.

--

“I want you to want me,” Sam sang softly, smiling as she leaned back in her seat. Hider plopped down next to her, a bag of Oreos in one hand and a jar of peanut butter in the other. Sam blinked and lost the beat of the song. “What the fuck?”

“LINDSAY LOHAN DID IT,” Hider defended.

“Yes, because basing our actions off Lindsay Lohan’s is intelligent, healthy, and fun,” Sam replied, a clear what-the-fuck tone in her voice. Hider sighed and opened the bag of cookies, holding it out to her friend. Sam shrugged and took one, immediately splitting it in half.

“Dude, you got all OMGFANGIRL when Logan did it in that stupid fic,” Hider snorted. Sam sighed.

“Okay, you are not Logan Echolls. Therefore, it is not cute when you do it.”

“Oh my God, you guys, SHUT UP,” Jess said loudly. They both smiled and set the food down between them on their seats, pushing up onto their knees so they could turn to face him. He didn’t move his book from above him as he laid out on the set of seats behind them, though he did snicker when they both lurched from the suddenness of the bus moving.

“Somebody’s grumpy,” Sam commented. Hider nodded in agreement and rested her chin on her crossed arms. Sam sighed and propped her elbow on the back of the seat, resting her chin on her palm. “Would you like some cookies, Jess?”

“Not really,” he bit. She smiled.

“Peanut butter?”

“No.”

“Oreos covered in peanut butter?”

“Oh my God, stop talking!”

She snickered and shrugged, turning around and dropping down on her ass in the seat again. “I want you to want me,” she murmured, “I NEED YOU TO NEED ME!” Hider smacked her across the head.

“YOU ARE NOT PENN!”

“I don’t care,” Sam replied. “I’m begging you to beg me …”

“SHUT UP,” Jess sat up abruptly, punching the back of her seat. Hider snorted and turned around to sit again, and all was quiet aside from the crinkling of the Oreo package for a long while. At least twenty minutes passed before any of them made any noise again, but if Jess’ groan was any indication he was completely regretting this trip.

“Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?”

“I hate you,” he groaned.
Tags: gilmore girls, hider, jess mariano, pg-13, sam, sasha, snap crackle pop
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